For children, holidays are more than dates on a calendar. They are traditions, anticipation, family gatherings, familiar foods, laughter, and memories that may last a lifetime. After parents separate or divorce, however, holidays can become another source of conflict. When that happens, it is often the children who pay the price.
One of the most important things parents can recognize is that a child has two sides of a family. The traditions, celebrations, grandparents, relatives, and relationships on one side are not more important simply because one parent believes they are. To a child, both families are an important part of who they are.
Texas visitation orders address certain major holidays, but no standardized schedule can account for every family's traditions. Some families make Halloween a major event. Others have longstanding Christmas Eve, Easter, birthday, religious, cultural, or extended-family celebrations that are especially meaningful to their children.
Parents should consider these traditions when negotiating their orders rather than automatically relying upon a standard holiday schedule. Even when a court order does not address a particular occasion, parents can agree to arrangements that allow their children to participate in special events. A court order should provide structure when parents cannot agree; it should not become an excuse to deny a child a meaningful experience.
Holiday disagreements often begin with a parent focusing on what they are entitled to rather than what would make the holiday special for their child. Putting children first sometimes means giving up something a parent is entitled to receive. It may mean allowing an extra hour so a child can attend a grandparent's celebration, exchanging weekends, adjusting travel plans, or accepting that a tradition with the other parent matters deeply to their child.
Children should also never feel guilty for being excited about spending a holiday with the other parent. They should not worry that enjoying themselves will hurt the parent they are leaving behind.
Parents and extended family members should avoid negative comments about the other parent or the child's other family. One of the greatest gifts adults can give children is permission to love everyone in their family without guilt.
Children probably will not remember whether every exchange occurred on time or whether each parent received exactly the same number of holiday hours. They will remember how the holidays felt.
Parents should give their children their attention, not their conflict. Parents should not interrogate their children about the other household. Parents should let their children enjoy where they are and welcome them home without making them feel guilty for having had a wonderful time somewhere else.
Parents frequently say, “My children come first.” But putting children first is easy when doing so requires no sacrifice. The real test comes when what is best for the child conflicts with what the parent wants.
"You make the sacrifices so your children can live the life they deserve." — Unknown
